Sunday, 21 February 2016

Stimming and Testing - Part II

Day 6 of stims I went back to the clinic for another blood test and my first ultrasound. Oh god, what a horrible blood test. My veins are small on the best of days. This day they decided to completely hide. The nurse tried both arms and I swear was DIGGING around in there trying to hit a vein. I started to get lightheaded and so they had to bring me juice and let me sit for a while. I felt really bad for everyone else, because I was first in line at the clinic that morning and they were with me trying to keep me upright for 15-20 minutes. They actually gave up, told me to drink another juice, go get my ultrasound and then they would try for blood again. Ugh.

The ultrasound (Dildo-cam!) felt fine. It was really fast. The doctor spoke really quickly and I couldn't catch most of what she was saying to the tech to write down. I know I had about 4 follicles on the left and maybe 5? on the right. The biggest was 8mm. The doctor said "They're growing, but slowly." NOT what I wanted to hear. She mumbled about dosages but then realized I had increased the dose two days before, so she just told me to continue and come back Friday (Day 8).

Honestly, I can't say I was experiencing symptoms that differed from my usual monthly fluctuations. I did cry at a silly shared post on Facebook, haha (it was the one called 'Wolf Surgery'). But nothing more than that.

Day 8 of stims was Friday. Another blood test (no major problems this time - blood came slowly but thankfully only one try for my vein) and ultrasound. 11mm this time. Again, growing, but slowly. When I asked more about it, the doctor didn't seem too concerned, just wanted me to continue as I was and add the Orgalutran shot. That's a turning point, so a positive sign I think, but still. I was pretty upset to be 'slow'. After the ultrasound I went into the rooms the clinic provides for doing the morning injections (you can't do the morning injections until after the bloodwork) and I was just sitting there looking at my soft stomach skin and thinking about how I didn't know if this would work and how I couldn't possibly do all of this and have it fail. I have no money to do another cycle. This is it. This is my chance. There is so much riding on all of this...I just had what I think was maybe a minor panic attack and I didn't know if I was going to be able to do the injection and leave that room. It took about 10 minutes, but I did it and it was ok.

I realize that somewhere along the line I stopped thinking about the baby goal and started thinking about just getting through the day, that particular shot. I don't know if that is particularly healthy, but it happened. Right now I can't picture being pregnant. I can't picture having a kid. I'm just trying to give myself these shots and not freak out about it. One day at a time, at least right now.

I met up with a good friend on Friday evening. That helped. We talked about her wedding plans and my overly tmi baby-making and it was good. And then I went to another party where people don't know what I'm doing, which was also good in a completely different way. I love my friends, especially the ones who don't judge me when I choose water over wine. Seriously, that is so nice right now.

And Friday night was another car injection. On Broadway, parked at the side of the road under a streetlamp. Waiting for all the people to walk by so I could pull my dress up around my waist for long enough for the alcohol wipe to dry and for my courage to come. I think it was another 10 minutes, pulling my dress up and down, holding the needle an inch away from my skin and telling myself that the next breath I would do it, 3,2,1, ok, next breath, next, just do it, why can't you do it, it doesn't even hurt, don't you want this. I never knew how hard this would be, and for the most unexpected reasons.

Above where I said I wasn't really feeling side effects? That is almost true, with the exception of tiredness. By 11:30 I thought I was going to just fall asleep on my friend's couch. Super lame.

Saturday morning, Day 9, the wonderful fabulous Aion did my shots for me. It helped. It was nice to have Aion involved and nice to not have to stab myself for once (twice actually). But I did my evening shot on my own, and with greater courage. In fact, I used up all the left over meds in the Gonal-F pens (they have slightly more medication in them than 900iu, and I did not want to waste any because of how expensive it I stabbed myself 3 separate times but I got 88iu from the bottom of the "done" pens...I don't know if that will ultimately matter but I will save whatever money I can here. (I actually park down the street from the clinic in a free spot and walk so I can avoid spending $2.50 to park in the clinic lot...every penny counts!)

And that brings me up to date to today, Sunday, Day 10. I go back for more blood work and ultrasound tomorrow morning. I don't know what will come, but I hope there's been more and better growth and that I will find out how close I am to being done.

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