Day 6 of stims I went back to the clinic for another blood test and my first ultrasound. Oh god, what a horrible blood test. My veins are small on the best of days. This day they decided to completely hide. The nurse tried both arms and I swear was DIGGING around in there trying to hit a vein. I started to get lightheaded and so they had to bring me juice and let me sit for a while. I felt really bad for everyone else, because I was first in line at the clinic that morning and they were with me trying to keep me upright for 15-20 minutes. They actually gave up, told me to drink another juice, go get my ultrasound and then they would try for blood again. Ugh.
The ultrasound (Dildo-cam!) felt
fine. It was really fast. The doctor spoke really quickly and I
couldn't catch most of what she was saying to the tech to write down. I
know I had about 4 follicles on the left and maybe 5? on the right. The
biggest was 8mm. The doctor said "They're growing, but slowly." NOT what
I wanted to hear. She mumbled about dosages but then realized I had
increased the dose two days before, so she just told me to continue and
come back Friday (Day 8).
Honestly, I can't say I was
experiencing symptoms that differed from my usual monthly fluctuations. I
did cry at a silly shared post on Facebook, haha (it was the one called
'Wolf Surgery'). But nothing more than that.
8 of stims was Friday. Another blood test (no major problems this time -
blood came slowly but thankfully only one try for my vein) and
ultrasound. 11mm this time. Again, growing, but slowly. When I asked
more about it, the doctor didn't seem too concerned, just wanted me to
continue as I was and add the Orgalutran shot. That's a turning point,
so a positive sign I think, but still. I was pretty upset to be 'slow'.
After the ultrasound I went into the rooms the clinic provides for doing
the morning injections (you can't do the morning injections until after
the bloodwork) and I was just sitting there looking at my soft stomach
skin and thinking about how I didn't know if this would work and how I
couldn't possibly do all of this and have it fail. I have no money to do
another cycle. This is it. This is my chance. There is so much riding
on all of this...I just had what I think was maybe a minor panic attack
and I didn't know if I was going to be able to do the injection and
leave that room. It took about 10 minutes, but I did it and it was ok.
realize that somewhere along the line I stopped thinking about the baby
goal and started thinking about just getting through the day, that
particular shot. I don't know if that is particularly healthy, but it
happened. Right now I can't picture being pregnant. I can't picture
having a kid. I'm just trying to give myself these shots and not freak
out about it. One day at a time, at least right now.
I met up with a good friend on Friday
evening. That helped. We talked about her wedding plans and my overly
tmi baby-making and it was good. And then I went to another party where
people don't know what I'm doing, which was also good in a completely
different way. I love my friends, especially the ones who don't judge me
when I choose water over wine. Seriously, that is so nice right now.
Friday night was another car injection. On Broadway, parked at the side
of the road under a streetlamp. Waiting for all the people to walk by
so I could pull my dress up around my waist for long enough for the
alcohol wipe to dry and for my courage to come. I think it was another
10 minutes, pulling my dress up and down, holding the needle an inch
away from my skin and telling myself that the next breath I would do it,
3,2,1, ok, next breath, next, just do it, why can't you do it, it
doesn't even hurt, don't you want this. I never knew how hard this would
be, and for the most unexpected reasons.
I said I wasn't really feeling side effects? That is almost true, with
the exception of tiredness. By 11:30 I thought I was going to just fall
asleep on my friend's couch. Super lame.
morning, Day 9, the wonderful fabulous Aion did my shots for me. It
helped. It was nice to have Aion involved and nice to not have to stab
myself for once (twice actually). But I did my evening shot on my own,
and with greater courage. In fact, I used up all the left over meds in
the Gonal-F pens (they have slightly more medication in them than 900iu,
and I did not want to waste any because of how expensive it is...so I
stabbed myself 3 separate times but I got 88iu from the bottom of the
"done" pens...I don't know if that will ultimately matter but I will
save whatever money I can here. (I actually park down the street from
the clinic in a free spot and walk so I can avoid spending $2.50 to park
in the clinic lot...every penny counts!)
brings me up to date to today, Sunday, Day 10. I go back for more
blood work and ultrasound tomorrow morning. I don't know what will come,
but I hope there's been more and better growth and that I will find out
how close I am to being done.