Saturday, 12 September 2015

I am not good at patience. (TWW)

Two week wait. I didn't think it could be all that bad. It's two weeks! That's nothing. And I wait for lots of things. Hah. I was completely unprepared.



It was AWFUL.

First, the timing of this IUI was so perfect. A few days after my birthday - what a wonderful birthday present a positive would be! My dad is visiting from out of town in a few weeks, so I could tell him results in person. I was picturing the months, where I would be at all the various times...it just felt right. I was doing my acupuncture, taking all the right supplements, drinking only a single cup of tea a day. No tuna. No alcohol. Doing everything right.

But there was some work stress, which wasn't good. Aion and I had a bit of a fight - nothing serious, but it messed up my sleep a bit. And I hurt my shoulder, so I wasn't able to do the yoga I wanted to.

And then I started to lose it. I couldn't concentrate. I felt every gurgle in my abdomen. Never one to feel much PMS (other than the emotional symptoms) until the actual start of my flow, I had sore boobs and mild cramps. It consumed me way more than I thought it would -- than I thought possible.

I started reading weeks 1-3 of the pregnancy book, but that was useless as you aren't really pregnant yet and the book is just talking about the process of ovulation, conception and implantation. I suppose interesting, but not all that helpful. I turned to google. Bad idea. I quit google cold turkey.

I read and re-read the post-IUI instructions from my clinic, which say to take a home pregnancy test 14 days after IUI. I analysed the sentence structure. Does that mean 14 days AFTER the procedure, or 14 days STARTING WITH the day of? Could one day matter that much? I went back on google. General consensus from people who were also overanalysing just like me: 14 days AFTER. Ok. Friday.

On Sunday Aion and I got mani/pedis. I thought that might help.

By Monday I gave up and peed on a stick. $850 on sperm (plus delivery, clinic fees and storage), $400 for the IUI, $400 for acupuncture, $44 for ovulation tests, all my hopes and dreams, all translated into urine on a $7 stick. And it was negative. I was devastated. I moped for a good solid half a day. And then I completely got over it.

You know, I thought I would feel bad for 'cheating'. I didn't, not in the slightest.

The negative brought me back down to earth. It reminded me there was nothing I could do and that if this didn't happen I could try again next month. It was something to prove to me that I could stop interpreting everything I felt going on inside as evidence of a baby. And it allowed me to move on from thinking about the possibility of testing early, all the what-ifs and the hopes and the whole massive emotional mess that I was becoming.

The next few days were so much better. I thought about babies a bit, but not like before. I just let myself be. And it was good.

Work also got a bit intense, which helped too, as I simply didn't have TIME to think about babies very much.

Friday morning I peed on another stick. Negative. And it was ok. Didn't really bother me that much, actually. And then, two hours later, I started my period. I shouldn't have wasted the stick. Ah well.

So, onward and upward to try #2. At least my nails look amazing.


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