Saturday, 15 August 2015

Summer break

I went back to work the Tuesday following my laparoscopy, so I only missed four days of work, but I'll admit I wasn't working at full capacity the first two days back. I was just bored and wanted to get back to work. Daytime TV is AWFUL.

I had a prescheduled vacation in July, so Aion and I went on a roadtrip - the kind of great time we can have together that will be much more difficult once we have children. It was a fantastic time.

While we were away, we visited my dad who lives far away. He knows we were thinking about having a family. I know he loves children and he enjoys girlfriend's kids' kids, but he is less than thrilled about our consideration of baby-making.

Aion has several disabilities, including depression and anxiety. My dad and his girlfriend are busy and loud. This does not make visiting easy for Aion. She gets tired easily and sometimes withdraws rather than spending time socializing with my family. Aion then feels guilty, the girlfriend gets upset and assumes Aion just doesn't want to take part, and that makes the whole situation worse. Everyone ends up frustrated and upset. I run triage and try not to get upset myself, when all I want is to spend time with my dad, who I miss terribly, but the girlfriend is in the way trying to make us all this imaginary one big happy family as if force feeding us cookies will help. It's dysfunctional.

Anyway, what became apparent on this particular trip is that my dad is concerned that Aion won't be able to handle being a parent. I know he is coming from a place of concern for me, but he refuses to recognise how much his words hurt.

I get quite defensive when he starts talking about how 'hard' having kids is. I know it's hard. I can't imagine how hard it will be but I can imagine hard things. I can deal with hard things. So can Aion. We won't be perfect parents but we will be good parents. We will have a happy family with typical family problems. We will get through them, just like everyone else does.

And then he goes on about how he always wanted more kids but it just didn't happen and then I feel like he's upset I 'turned out gay' and won't give him the perfect vision he had all set out in his head for me.

I ended up yelling and crying and basically proving with my poor behaviour that I couldn't handle all this adult stuff. Goal completely not accomplished.

We worked out a bit of stuff during the trip but frankly we have a long way to go. 

The road trip meant that we missed our July window. And frankly I kind of spaced out a bit too, forgetting all about this process for a while. That was nice.

And suddenly I realized that it was a few days before I expected my period and I still had not yet ordered the sperm. Time to kick things into action, like, NOW.

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